Since my last post I have gotten engaged, married, had a baby, left my husband, moved in with my parents, and quit my job.
Where to begin?!
It has been two and a half years since my lost blog post. Why did I stop blogging here? To answer that I must go back to why I started blogging: in May 2013 I was suffering from chronic anxiety due – I thought – to work related stress and so I underwent CBT counselling, practised mindfulness and wrote this blog. I stopped blogging because I felt that I had resolved a the issues that had driven me to begin it. What I didn’t realise was that I was deeply in denial of far greater problems in my life.
Looking back I realise that up to the birth of my daughter I was living in denial of who I am and what makes me happy. I was pouring all my energy into a job and relationship that I did not really believe in: I was so driven by need for other’s approval that I could not break free. Somehow had become so disillusioned that I thought I wasn’t happy because I wasn’t working hard enough at life – my relationship, work, friendships. So I worked. And worked. And worked. And then worked some more. I battled on with my relationship ignoring all the signs that it was wrong for both of us. I battled on at work because at least it was a distraction from my personal problems and a focus for my energy and time.
From all of this, however, has come my daughter – my little robin. Born in winter a chirpy, cheerful, curious little thing who has succeeded in making everyone around her want to be better people, including me and her father. She has awoken in me a deep desire to live a life of integrity and that has value and meaning, and she has helped her father begin a long journey towards self-discovery. What a remarkable achievement for one so young.
Thich Nhat Hanh has written a book called ‘No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering’. I have always been drawn to this saying of his, but now it has taken on new layers of meaning. This should be my mantra for the year ahead I think!
I hope to write more in time but for now this is a good first step.